Funny English

How about a new spin on golf...

No matter how thirsty you might be, it's important to read signs like this one in a restroom in Canada.

The following submissions come from a friend's college textbook...

Sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time, we regret that you will be unbearable."

A Japanese hotel air conditioner user manual: "Cooles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

Sign in an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In spite of what this plastic bag says, some might think it rather disgusting to mix their vomit and sundries together.

This description of a unique new bus service in Thailand comes from their official web site...

Open Service bus operation for Lady Bus (Lady Bus)

BMTA opened bus operation for Lady Bus on 30 May 2000 to facilitate and build the safety in using buses service for lady. This is to be saved them from criminals who make a trouble to slash lady's handbag with a knife, steal the value property and money as well as to be saved them from having somone take the opportunity to molest lady passenger in buses.

If you look carefully, you'll see that this bit of gift wrapping paper contains a very loose translation of 1 Corinthians 13:4.

This was printed on a throw-up bag on a bus (the Chinese says "sanitary bag").

The following excerpt from an owner's manual for a noodle maker assures us that abnormal people may have trouble using it.

This machine can be operated easily, it requires only one clean wide board, and normal family member is capable of the operation.

The excerpt below comes from a student's English writing assignment. The student was trying to write about how Guizhou Province attracts tourists.

There are many nationalities styles and conditions in Guizhou also attacked many tourers.

Watch out for those surpervisors! They're taking charge of all the ATMs!

Here are some very specific instructions for taking a shower in a certain hotel room:

Dear Customers

When you have a shower, please do remember to close the curtain, put the bottom of the curtain in the bath. In order to keep water splash wet the floor cause you stumble.

Finally, here's the title of an article we saw in a magazine in Shenzhen. The article was about dining out in China...

Masticated Leisure

Here's a few encouraging words from a gift bag:

Happy Ageless

Welcome to world
Leave your behind & welcome to here
I'll be waiting here for you

Here's an excerpt from the YMCA International House Guest Regulations in Hong Kong:

In case of illness, please call the Reception Counter immediately for a doctor.
All contagious disease must be immediately removed to the hospital for treatment.

Here are some of our favorite excerpts from a pamphlet designed to improve the English level in the city of Nanning:

Nanning Citizen's "Eight Don'ts" Norms:

1. Don't Spit.
2. Don't Litter.
3. Don't Damage Public Properties.
4. Don't Destroy Greenland
5. Don't Beat and Curse Others
6. Don't Extravagant and Waste
7. Don't Violate Traffic Rules
8. Don't Smoke at Public Places

(phrases for paying taxes)
What kind of taxes are you going to pay?
Please understand (assist in) our jobs.
The computer has broken down. Wait a moment please.
Please give me your credit card to run through the machine. Please sing and affix your seal.
Esteemed taxpayer, please keep the hall clean.

(phrases for a medical examination)
Hi, anything wrong?
I have a headache.
How long?
Let me take you temperature and blood pressure, please.
You have a little fever, you need to have an injection.
I wish you recover soon.

This announcement was made over a loudspeaker at an airport:

The flight to Guangzhou will not be on time due to its location.

A free dinner to anyone who can figure out what this book is about::

Taste Scripture of Careful

Here's one also submitted by a friend who nearly had to reach for the throw-up bag on her flight after reading this in an airline magazine:

A COLD PATIENT CANNOT FLY

When a person catches cold, his mucous membrane of NT (nose-throat) department will become congestion, dropsy and have a lot of secretion. It is the pus property secretion at the beginning, and then the secretion of mucous property. The mucous property secretion will block up the throat vessel. If the mucous membrane of the ear-throsat vessel is in the state of mucous property secretion, the ear-throat vessel is not easy to open, even though you try your best to swallow, the atmospheric pressure of the auris media cavity can ont keep balance with the external world, thus bring about the injury of atmospheric pressure property auris media, and leads to the otitis media of aviation property, so a cold patient can not travel by plane.

This was heard by Wendy one night during a television interview:

"Our economy is giving signs that we are gradually crawling out of our bottom."

This, well, patriotic quote came from an English student of a friend of ours:

"In order to sever our Motherland, we should learn English well."

And here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong submitted by a friend:

I am &%^$ unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
I have been scared (&%^$ too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some &%^$ of the giant lizard person.

Finally, here's a memorable movie plot description. This comes from a Video CD label for a Sandra Bullock film released in the states as "Love Potion Number Nine". We still haven't figured out where they came up with the title "Jory" (no, it's not Chinese).

Jory
Diann and Borlo two persons are all discuss primate action of psychology scientist, them are neighbour, them have same gusto but never tryst, Borlo because no contact girl friend fall back on Lemel. She takes a piece of Augus yell spiritualization water for he, and tell he about the remedy of magical function, Borlo not originally approve, but he saw cat and orang-utan after eat magicalresult handy and Diann engage with them oneself do experiment, really at Angus 9 yell of witch craft, them became thousands of people perplex.